So let's just back up to my last post. There is a reason that I haven't posted since January. I will be honest and say my last post was in all reality, fake. I was trying to be positive. Like really positive. Anything to mask the feelings that were really going on. Fake it till you make it right?
The year started out on a high. This New Year's was one of my best yet. I spent it with some one I loved. And for once I got a New Year's Eve kiss. I had always dreamed of dressing up on this festive holiday. Everything seemed perfect. I was happier then I ever had been.
A few weeks later I was alone; I was trying to figure out just what had went wrong. Had something gone wrong? I didn't even know. I was so heartbroken and confused and all the while numb. NUMB. That word feels the same way it sounds, like nothing. I honestly think I went in to some trauma mode or a form of shock. I couldn't feel anything. But how was this possible? A few weeks prior I was feeling so much! I had felt love, happiness, joy, excitment. Exactly what we all want, I felt. There has been very few times in my life where I had felt love like this.
It doesn't take long for a relationship to form. At least that's what I think. It seems like some of my greatest friendships have formed over a small random interaction. A simple hello can turn in to something we never expected. I am a very relational person and love doing life with people. I also know a lot can happen in a day, a month and a year. And it had.
What seemed like such a good thing had fallen apart in minutes. All the memories and laughter and jokes gone. I mean they were still there, but they now felt like needles poking every inch of my body. My heart dropped to my feet. I felt like I could barely breath. As fast as it had lit up several months prior it deteriorated in what felt like seconds. My year had abrutly taken a drastic turn for the worse.
My heart was officially broken.
I have gone through break ups before but nothing like this. It didn't make sense. This person had become such a close friend to me. I began to question everything. And then the blame game. What had I done?
Although it had only been maybe 7 months, it felt like it had been years. I believe we had covered more in those months then some people do in 5 years. It felt good. But its taken me the rest of this year up till the last couple of months to realize something had changed. May be we both did in ways, but I had changed. I had let fear creep in. We all know that fear paralyzes, it stops life, it stops growth. I don't know what exactly I was fearing but I do know that fear causes people to want to control situations. It makes you trust less and it brings negative thoughts. Yep, that was me. I have had to choose to be gracious with my self because as humans, that's what we do. We tend to let anxious thoughts get a hold of us. And if we don't deal with them upfront, they can take over.
I believe there are things in my life that definitely trigger fear. But I am learning to be fear-less. To go forward confidently with courage and boldness. I have always been more timid by nature but that hasn't gotten me anywhere. I believe God is using that relationship and broken heart to teach me to be more fear-less. We don't know till we try. Have faith! We are in control of how we feel.
So here I start again.
But I am starting somewhere. BE FEAR-LESS!
Annie
